


Find the words

by fan_but_no_art



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Insecurity, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Secret Crush, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Self-Worth Issues, Tags May Change, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25800661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fan_but_no_art/pseuds/fan_but_no_art
Summary: Linong knows he has to tell him how he feels, but the fear of rejection is greater than him.Maybe writing anonymous letters could help ease his burden.
Relationships: Cai Xukun/Chen Linong
Comments: 32
Kudos: 25





	1. 0407

**Author's Note:**

> Based in the all time favorite, XOXO (Kisses & Hugs) by EXO.

* * *

0407

Hello?

I know that this kind of things - _the letters, I mean_ \- are something you don't lack of. I've seen them filling your locker and your desk. Some are small and simple, and others are big and extravagant. I'm in the first group, if you haven't notice.

I know I see you every day. I know you're silly, and oblivious and _oh_ , so stupid sometimes, but I cannot help feeling this way. I even know you don't like the letters either, but I kinda understand why all those girls write them. It's not much about you reaching out to them after. It's about how calming it feels to just let all those thoughts out of your head.

Today you smiled at me. Me, among all that people. You just did it out of politeness, but my heart doesn't know that. 

I saw you looking at the window for a little while in class, and I thought that whatever was in your head was not related to me. And it's fine, really. I'm okay with it. When you're someone like me you learn from a very early time in life that people like me are the ones that dream of others and not the ones being dreamed. 

I don't know if all this will ever go away, but while I'm waiting, I'll tell you what brought me here first. Not in this letter, but in others, of course. I knew I wanted to write this, and I wasn't sure about giving this to you, but I'm sure you would never read this. This is just a sick way to pretend I'm getting closer to you, and as I do so, show you my feelings.

Hope you had a nice day??? I'm sorry, I have no idea how these letters are supposed to go.


	2. 0414

* * *

0414

These weeks were hard to go through.

Were you busy too?

Teacher Zhou asked us to do our best in the festival and I hope we did. 

You made me cry. You always do.

You do it every time you sing, actually. You have always amazed me. How can you look so strong one second and then turn so fragile at the next?  
The stage is an extension of your being. You never fail to leave me breathless with your mere presence.  
Even though nearly fifteen people sang on stage, you're the only one that people can remember. I'm sure.

I also sang. Zhangjing said I did well, but how can I know? He's my friend. That's what he is supposed to tell me.

I saw the bags under your eyes, even through the make-up. I recognize them because I have them sometimes too, when there's so many things to do and so little hours to manage. 

Is it hard having to hide yourself all the time? 

Please have some rest. You truly need it.


	3. 0417

* * *

0417

You rejected someone today. Again.

Mei had seemed out of it all day, but I didn't expect it to be because of her planned confession at the end of the day.  
Her hands were shaking so bad I thought she would never be able to hold anything with them anymore. 

It wasn't my intention to be there. How could it be? She did it in the middle of the hallway, her face red and her voice loud. Mr. Han was standing at his door when I got there, asking me to wait a minute for our session to start. He watched the entire thing but I could only listen to the part were you said that "feelings were a serious matter" and that you wouldn't lie to her about your feelings towards her. You wished her good luck in love and told her to take care of herself.   


You were so nice. You did your best, but your smile did nothing to comfort her. It made it worst.

You were sincerely worried for her. Your eyes showed the pity you felt for her and that's what broke her. The waking up of her dream.

  
When we finally got inside the office, Mr. Han let out a sigh, looked at the ceiling and said, "Do you know that phrase that says 'no matter how many times you wish you could keep a star, the star will never shine only for you'? Because Mei didn't." 

He's not mistaken, is he?

I agreed with him. Why do we keep chasing for stars that are so far of our reach?

My weekly sessions with the counselor have always been long, but we both felt that Mei's sadness and disappointment was enough for the day. I wasn't going to mention anything out of the ordinary anyway. I would say the same I always do: that I miss the fresh boba, the white noise the motorcycles were and my family. That not even watching Justin and Chengcheng running around the cafeteria and spilling coffee over a very tired Zhengting can't make my days better.

Life is not a bed of roses to me, I guess. I hope it is for you.


	4. 0421

* * *

0421

Heard there'll be a party at Ziyi's house tomorrow night. I forgot it was his birthday. 

He invited me today after our Math's class. He was rushed, claiming he had to go and catch you. He mentioned that not many people would be there, but he said that last year and almost everyone was there, so it's kinda hard to believe him this time. 

I think he also sort of forgot his birthday because he said Zhengting planned it.

I'm not sure if I'll be there. 

I'm not a party person, you see, but I like watching people around me. I like the noisy environment, the feeling that only the bass of the music is the only thing that matters at that moment. I could also use a drink or two, and I'm sure Ziyi has enough to give good drinks and not the awful alcohol others offer.

I'm sure you'll be there. 

I'm never looking for you, but you always seem to be near anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the fucking work title because why not? I regret every single decision I make.  
> I don't know why I did all of this.


	5. 0424

* * *

0424

Hello again.

I got late to the party because, according to an annoying friend of mine, _"the effort you put into your clothes means how much you want to impress"_ and I didn't feel like dealing with him, so I just did what he said.

I can't believe you're actually bad at something: making punch.  
No one could drink a cup of the bowl.  
How much alcohol tolerance do you have to not notice the amount of vodka you poured there? You could knock out anyone with a sip of it.

Black hair fits you better than anyone would expect. It's long enough to cover your eyes and it makes your gaze look even more intense. I was surprised to see you with it as you danced and swayed with the music as effortlessly as you always make things look.

The night went well and then it didn't.

I was in the balcony almost the entire night. I could hear the laughter and the music, but I still was alone, which was nice because I was getting drunk just from the smell of it. I went inside for a glass of water and when I went back, I saw you there. Zhengting was all over you and you were kissing. I didn't interrupt. I couldn't. I just stood there for a second and turned around. You looked good together. Maybe you should really give it a try.  
I left a little bit after that.  
Too much fun for one night.

Don't feel bad because no one drank anything of your punch. Worse things could have happened instead of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing abilities and creativity? Don't know them.
> 
> Did someone else fell in love with Nongnong's album too? I can't stop listening Taste of Summer. He has grown and I'm so proud, agh.


	6. 0428

* * *

0428

Admission exams are near. I'm at the peak of my anxiety and I can't think clearly.

I've read so many books I can't even remember if words have a meaning or if they just exist. 

I feel like that too. I read, and I write and I repeat and nothing makes sense anymore. I don't make sense anymore.

I know grades really don't matter to me, but they do to the world. There are no choices for me. I can't lie in bed and breath until I stop. I have to recharge with tons of cheap coffee and chocolate bars and keep going, even if I don't know where will I end up.

I've been stuck in the library for days, the far study rooms being my hideout both for privacy and for the quiet I wanted to force myself to focus in. And for a few days, I felt content in my isolation. But I wasn't actually in isolation.

I heard you sing yesterday.

I was falling asleep with the air conditioner lulling me when I heard a hum, a simple melody filling the room. It was low at first, steady and unconscious. I couldn't recognize who it was, since a wall was blocking my view of the study room next to mine. And then you sang. And I knew it was you. 

Who else would sing as easy and unrestricted as you do it?

Your voice was almost like a whisper and I could only hear it due to the lack of people in the hallway. You sang bits and pieces of songs I recognized and some I didn't, threading them as if they were one. Which they became, after you tied them together.

I fell asleep because of it. 

When I woke up, a librarian was shaking me, telling me they were about to close. 

I didn't mind. It was the best sleep I've had in a while.

It's funny how I find you when I'm not looking for you. 

Thank you. I owe you four hours of rest on a cold table and a few lullabies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm two days away from the beginning of the new semester and I feel overwhelmed even though we haven't started. I'm not ready to have to talk to people or see them.
> 
> Bless Jiang Chen and Lan Xichen because they are my favorite fictional boys these days.


	7. 0501

* * *

0501

You don't smile often. 

I had noticed this before, but I didn't realize it until now. And I'm not talking about those smiles you give everyone when they surround you. I'm talking about those you pull when you feel genuinely happy.

You seem cold to me. And it's not that you cause everyone to live with the cold, but that you _live_ in it.  
As someone who always plasters his face with them, I have learned to know a made-up smile when I see it.

I wonder which would you give me if you really saw me and not just a fleeting glance.

You gave me a smile the other day.  
I don't know if you did it out of kindness or pity or sympathy and I don't think I'll ever know. There is no need. I know it is like a reflex by now.  
  
It's like if you would rather be ignored or be crossed out as a happy person than being questioned about why you aren't.  
That's why I'm also always smiling.

I think that, whoever gets to smile through difficulties, to stand even when they are hurt, are the strongest.

How do you really feel?  
You're a mystery hidden in the dark, and yet, I'm still waiting here to see it unfold in the daylight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, wherever you are, be careful. Thanks for coming back!


	8. 0515

* * *

0515

It's been raining a lot these days, don’t you think? The air is cold, and no matter how thick the sweater is, it still reaches my bones and my soul.

I feel like I’m freezing and moving so slow I might be just existing rather than doing something with my life.

I cannot see the sky. I haven’t seen it just yet and I wonder if I’ll ever see it again. Hopeless of me.

People always say that there’s always a rainbow after the storm, but I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed it. I think I’m still waiting for the rainbow. And I’m tired of doing so. So tired. I’ve been under this merciless rain and cold for so long that I’m used to it and I cannot imagine myself under the sunlight. Under an umbrella that blocks all that sadness and cold and feel fear of finally seen the rainbow but not feeling awed because of it. Of only feeling the light and wish the return of the grayness I had before. Of being blinded by its brightness and uniqueness.

School’s been quiet these days.

We are all slowed down by the weather, as if we became our own shadows; quiet, expecting for something to happen to the real us so we can move.

People bundle up together as if the warmth they need in their lives will be provided by people who only pretend to care about them. And it’s ironic how much I wish to have that empty, superficial company but diminish it as soon as I see it.

I haven’t heard a single thing about you. Are you frozen in time too?

I thought you would be the sunlight we all would reach to, but I guess not even a strong shine like yours can fight against the collective darkness we have been drowning ourselves. Why should you? That dark emptiness should only be filled by our own light, but it is hard to do that once you realize there are others who have more to gift. Like you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh.  
> i don't know what to do with my life. i feel like i keep doing useless, senseless things when there are better, more meaningdul things that could make me so much happier than how i feel now. how can i? how can i feel good? can i, at least for once?
> 
> hope you are all good.


	9. 0530

* * *

0530

Someone asked me a question I had never thought of. They asked me what love is like. And I just stood there because what else could I have done?

I replied I didn’t know because I have never lived the entire experience others have had of confessing like a normal human being, getting together and sharing your life with that person to get to know them. And you know what they said? They told me “ I didn’t ask you if had been on a relationship and what are they supposed to be like. I asked you what love is.” And I been thinking about it since.

I like you.

And it’s not because everyone does.

I like _you_.

I like the small and the big things you do. I don’t like you for what you look like. I like the idea of you. Of someone who exists in the way they want. Of someone who knows how to laugh, how to act and how to be. You are incredible, like a challenge to existence. You are what many people think can’t be. You are defiant and strong, and no one can taint you. And isn’t that what we all should strive for?

Relationships are meant for sharing life and not just fleeting glances and formal exchanges. There are steps you should take to get to that moment in which you can consider this relationship and you should never think in the name of it. You want there to be a couple instead of a one, so doing what only you think is right is wrong.

And that’s when we get to love. When after sharing all these glances, and moments and pieces we get to see the big painting we have been making all this while. And the picture is huge, and mesmerizing and we think “there’s so much I still want to add. There’s so much I still want to do and paint and there’s more I want to share and be.” And it is not that you want to only be with them. You want to live and share that joy it brings you to just be yourself wherever that is and you want that one person to be the one you can say anything without being questioned why because _they know_ and there is no need for words because what can they say that you haven’t said before? What can they express that you haven’t? And it is all so complicated and so simple that not even words can describe what you want and don’t with them. Your happiness doesn’t depend on them because you have learned how to be happy by yourself. They are only your partners in this journey and you both know the point of being in this relationship was to share and be with one another. You have learned together how to pick yourselves up, helping each other but never doing it for the other. And things feel right. And it all started with liking the way one is. With liking what we know and craving for what we don’t.

A complex concept deserves more than a few words to describe it. And I could never say this aloud. But I’m here telling them to you, because that what I think and I’m here to confess to you. And I’m not asking you to be next to me for life or anything. I’m just here to confess how I feel about you and nothing more. I’m not ready to stop all those fleeting glances and formal exchanges. I’m content with this distance between you and I, because the steps aren’t meant to be followed. At least not know. But time goes so fast and hearts change. Life has never been fair and even less merciful.

I apologize for this outburst, but they shouldn’t have asked me what I think love is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time flies these days.  
> Is someone else disappointed of what is happening with everything? Like, TV shows don't end the way they should, people enjoy things you cannot understand and expectation is what keeps you waiting because how else is life going to have some spice? 
> 
> Take care, everyone.


	10. 0603

* * *

0603

Chances come and go, but coincidences follow you.

When I see you standing alone on the sidewalk, I have the chance to get close to you. But I don’t. And that’s a chance I lose.

But coincidences…

Every day I hear you in the hallways I am about to walk, and I see you surrounded by people that keep you as the center of their life and universe. Around every corner, there’s a hint of you and I’m kinda tired of being surrounded by things of you, but not being able to be with you as I would like to.

  
  


There was one time, though, where I didn’t see you alone or surrounded.

  
  


You were walking out of a study room in the library. With Zhengting.

I told you you should go out with him, but I never thought you would do it in private. I know Zhengting is a show-off and a proud man, so I never considered something like this. You were fixing your clothes and looked as if you had run a marathon. And you might as well have.

You are lucky. It could have been anyone who walked in on you, but it was me.And I wanted to let you know I turned around as soon as I saw you for two reasons.

First, because Zhengting knows me and I didn’t want you to hear my name from him. And second, because if you want to keep this side of you hid from the others, then who am I to deny you that? I’m not heartless, so please don’t think I will tell someone what I saw. I pretended it never happened.

If this hadn’t happened, I would have never learned the important lesson I learned that day. The letters are for me. I keep thinking of you every time I write them, but at the end, you are not the one who reads them. It’s me. And I keep replying to them because that’s what I wished from you, which is wrong, because you don’t owe me anything. I am who is burdening you after all, so it’s not in me to demand you an answer.

You’re my inspiration, but nothing else. And I should stop blurring the lines I wished didn’t exist, because neither of us deserves this. You don’t deserve anyone requiring your attention or affection when they must earn it. You’re not obliged to love or like anyone, and I finally understood that.

I also don’t deserve to be liked by someone forced into that. I deserve someone who sees me for who I am, and not for something they are being told they must do because they know my feelings and it would be cruel of them to not give them back.

We are nothing. And these letters mean nothing.

I like you and I like the idea of you. And I should stop writing these and let the idea of you go. You are in other people’s minds. You don’t need someone like me, who likes you and now is thinking about not liking you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so close to finish this. I can't believe it. 
> 
> Wait Wait Wait and November Rain were the only valid songs for me this month. 
> 
> I love it when I'm writing a chapter of this fic and Nongnong decides it's the perfect moment to post on Instagram. I love him so much. I miss him, Kunkun and all my Idol Producer boys. Those were good times.


	11. 0615

* * *

0615

I’m happy.

I started packing my things yesterday, and it’s kinda weird to think your entire life can be summarized in eight boxes and a bag.

Today is our last day of school. It is a bittersweet situation. Zhangjing promised not to fall out and I promised I wouldn’t forget him. It’s the only thing I could promise. I took longer to get up and couldn’t help but to take a longer look at everything.

I crave the end, but I also wish it never happens so I can live in this stage in life where you are not young enough to act stupidly but you are also not old enough to do whatever you want. I’m not ready, but I wouldn’t mind getting out of here.

I hate it when people say “we ended well” or “we ended bad.” Endings are just endings. How good can it be if it ended? How bad can it be if it was necessary?

I saw many people crying in the hallways. Hugs and kisses are given as if they were nothing. And I can’t do any of that. I can feel the emotions running through me, but I can’t make them burst out of me. It is so hard to pretend I understand everyone here when I’m beginning to understand myself.

A lot of things happened this semester. 

I started writing letters to you. And I also met me in you. Which is something I never thought would happen when I picked pen and paper for the first time.

It all went as I thought it would. You are you and I am me. We aren’t together but I’m better. So much better.

You were my emergency exit. The comfort person I would reach to, pouring my heart into your letters. Thinking of you made me think of the things I wanted to say and be, my head clearer once I had someone to focus my attention on other than myself.

You were the lighthouse that shined through the fog. And I’m glad I got to see you shine in all your glory, smiling and guiding me to my destination.

You are no saint. You are human. You are like all of us. And I discovered that just by looking at you.

You were no waste of time. You are worth the effort, the time and the affection. And so am I.

We are leaving now, and I think it couldn’t be sweeter.

Thank you.

It was meant to be like this. And I’m happy with it.

Goodbye, Xukun.

I'm sorry. I still have no idea how these letters are supposed to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done.  
> Nongnong's growth was sudden, but I think that happens in real life. Sometimes you just stop everything and restart.
> 
> I'm thankful for whoever read even a single word of this fic. I enjoyed writting it and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much. I seriously don't know what to say.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are hugely appreciated!!!
> 
> If you ever want to talk about this fic, the fandom or about anything you think I could be interested in or I could help you with, here's my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fan-but-no-art/)


End file.
